Impulsive Inquiry

uncontrolled questioning of the world I perceive.

On my own…here we go

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As an insomnia plagued teenager, the Green Day song ‘Brain Stew’ was my anthem. From dragging myself through class to lying in bed repeating the lyrics, I felt as if nothing could explain how I felt better than that song.

As time passes, other songs have taken the place of ‘Brain Stew’. What these songs have in common is their ability to put into words how I feel about  a specific time or place in a way that I would never have been able to express on my own.

Songs help me explain how I feel about general life, relationships, experiences, and emotions (as I am sure they help anyone else who listens to music). They create associations and give me the words I need. I often struggle to find my own words (as surprising as that may be) and rely on those that are readily available (usually in the form of movie/tv quotes or songs) to express how I am feeling.

As I write this blog I am beginning to find my voice within the context of the written word. It is both empowering as well as frustrating. Groping to use the correct sentence structure, voice, and the oxford comma (thanks Mita!) while trying articulate myself as clearly as possible makes even the smallest expression a chore.

I have always been a talker. I can express anything verbally, but writing is an exciting new challenge. Unfortunately the problem with new skills is their tendency toward rigidity. I know how to write humor (I think). I can figure out how to pontificate clearly enough.

But, what I haven’t learned yet is how to write when I’ve lost my humor and feel opinion-less.

How do I write when I have no words?

When I want to reach out through this medium and don’t even know where to begin.

How do I connect?

I have been with out words today. Full of emotion I wanted to express, but failing to find my voice, both out loud and in writing.

What to say finally came to me when I answered the question of “how are you” with the response “My head feels like it is full of brain stew.”

And I was brought back to that song, which coincidently enough describes how I feel quite well. This time I am dealing with the end of a two year relationship, rather than insomnia, but the connection is the same. The song can express what I have been at a loss to share

So, I leave you with the lyrics.

“Brain Stew”

I’m having trouble trying to sleep
I’m counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind

On my own… here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room

On my own… here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense’s dulled
Passed the point of delirium

On my own… here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room

On my own… here we go

*I edited this the afternoon after it was first posted to make it more coherent.

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