Impulsive Inquiry

uncontrolled questioning of the world I perceive.


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When I was a little girl…

Today I am moving into my dorm. I have dinner in the dining hall and orientation all weekend. It sounds so ridiculous. A flashback to 2007 when I first moved into my dorm at Pitzer. Right now I wish I could move backwards in time to 2007 or 1997 because this morning I am sitting in the back yard of my grandparents’ house and I miss my grandpa.

 

For the past (almost) three years I have done a fantastic job of coping with his death in typical spear fashion. I kinda just pretended it never happened. I missed him in the same way that I always missed him. When there is an entire country between yourself and the essence of the person you are grieving it is easy to circumvent the grief. Sure we didn’t talk on the phone once a week, but that had stopped after he had his stroke in 2009. I never came back here after the funeral and I never truly let myself grieve.

 

But, fate doesn’t entertain alternate reality forever. So here I am. Sitting on the bridge over the brook in the backyard of the house that was once my grandparents’ is now my grandma’s and will soon belong to a stranger. I am glad to come back before the buyer moves in and I am sure I will be back again later this summer.

 

I managed two mornings here without eating eggs or really much breakfast at all. If my grandpa were here that would be unacceptable. He would have asked what I wanted for breakfast (standard answer: coffee or nothing) and proceeded to ignore my response making me fried eggs, tasty-wasties (potatoes) toast and juice. He, of course, would have eaten hours before his west coast granddaughter but would still sit with me making sure I ate it all an making me laugh. He never would have let me sleep until noon anyway.

 

I have a million stories of his humor (the title of this post being how he started all stories about his childhood), and kindness and love. But what I really want to share, and what I miss most of all is his gift for accepting people for who they were and loving them.

 

My grandfather is one of the only people I have had the honor of meeting who never tried to make me anything other than who I was right at that minute. He loved me for exactly who I was right then, no expectations, no pressure. A gift to a misfit. A gift to anyone who is growing up and changing. It is a gift that I can hopefully give to my grandchildren. (my children will be pushed and pressured, cause that is the job of the parent :D)

 

Everyone should be so blessed to know a true Tzadik. I did. He was my grandfather.

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Howard Arbetter z”l


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welcome to, my little corner of the world.

(this was written this morning and typed up later)

Today I left my house without an end goal in mind. This is highly unusual, as I typically need a destination to be able to even leave the house. As a wanderer, I am not the person you would take on a spontaneous adventure.

This morning, I just had to get out of there. So I left, trusting my feet to take me where I needed to go. Naturally I ended up at the coffee shop I stop at every time I walk to (and many times from) work. Actually, I should say walkED. As of yesterday I don’t go to work at the UW anymore. When I come back in the fall, that won’t be my house, and this won’t be my neighborhood.

I reached the coffee shop (Essential Baking Company) and got my coffee and a pastry. At this point I should mention that I had been sobbing for about half an hour and probably looked gorgeous (I joke, I’m pretty sure I looked like a mess). The crying was a long time coming and quite irrelevant to this narrative, other than the end result.

Anyhow, the truly attractive half-crying/half-weezing I was still trying to contain while I ordered resulted in a free pastry (I refuse to believe that anyone could have found any other reason to treat to baked goods at that moment). It was a lovely gesture and that kindness and neighborliness is something I will miss immensely.  Which, of course started me crying again. Have I mentioned that I suck at transitions, change, conflict and general upset in my world? Cause I’m a bit overwhelmed right now (but that is a different story)

I left the coffee shop with grand ideas of walking down to gasworks (my favorite place in seattle) to read, drink coffee and (since I am being honest here) do a good bit of moping and seething. But as I crossed the street, I looked up and saw the space needle peaking out from behind the curve of Queen Anne (for all non-seattleites: a hill/neighborhood). The sun was shining on the sidewalk and my feet just stopped right there. So I sat.

And here I am, writing this on a scrap paper book cover I made to hide my book of crossword puzzles. (so it looked like I was taking notes at work, another long story). Just enjoying this odd, tiny, concrete corner of the world. The sun is illuminating the needle and life is continuing to flow around me. Normal, mundane, saturday morning life.

As usual, my feet knew exactly where I needed to be and brought me there in their, no nonsense, one in front of the other, way. Maybe I will end up walking down to the park and maybe I won’t. Until then I will stay here, the oddity sitting on the corner, writing  on the cover of a book.

Treasuring this little moment of peace.


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The Art of Procrastination? Perfected.

I have recently been hit with an odd  Catch-22 about blogging. If you don’t know what a Catch-22 is then read the book. Once you have done that and STILL don’t know that that means look here.

My problem is not that I don’t have anything to blog about, but rather, I have SO MUCH to blog about that I am rendered incapable of blogging at all. Thus, the events and topics pile up and I get frozen in a loop of wanting to blog but not knowing where to start.

Well, no one has ever accused me of being short on words, and when I get an idea I tend to be a bit stubborn. I don’t want to give up on that blog entry! But then something else happens, and something else, and it spirals out of control.

The solution, of course, is to write. Not about all the events and topics I have thought about posting about, no, that would be to logical (and waaayyy to time consuming). Instead I will write about my posting dilemma. This simultaneously negates and exacerbates my problem. While on the one hand, posting anything at all is liberating me from:

I CANT POSSIBLY POST THIS UNTIL I POSTED ABOUT THAT BUT IF I POST ABOUT THAT I MUST POST ABOUT THIS OTHER THING FIRST.

On the other hand, it is really just extending my posting procrastination as it pertains to the actual happenings or thoughts that have occurred. Either way, I’m screwed.

The upside is, this is my blog and I can do what I want. I have no obligation to post about certain things right when they happen! I have thoughts and opinions and experiences to share, but sharing doesn’t have to happen RIGHT THIS SECOND.

And this, my dear readers, is precisely my style of procrastination. Mix of ADHD distractibility with Anxiety Disorder induced panicking that I won’t get everything done and poof! Stress with a side of binge-watching tv shows.

Luckily, the anxiety inevitably wins out and I finish whatever I have been putting of, usually with time to spare. Thus, I have procrastinated and yet, I have not.  Procrastination perfected.

I knew it was time to stop procrastinating when I started having the dreams. Whenever I am putting something off for to long I have stress dreams that always contain the same three elements.

  1. I have to go/move somewhere far away right that minute and
  2. I haven’t packed. It is time to go and NOTHING IS PACKED!!
  3. My sister is yelling at me to hurry up OR yelling at me about the fact I have nothing packed OR yelling at me in general.

 

The settings/trips/what is actually going on changes, but those three elements stay the same. And when I start having those dreams, I know it is time to get a movin’ on whatever I have been putting off (usually packing oddly enough, I am quite the literal dreamer).

To cross blog entry off that to-do list here is a highlights reel of what has been happening in my life/random thoughts/other things, that I may or may not expand upon in the future. Pictures included when applicable.

My Grandmother turned 100 years old last monday (may 5)

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I have a new baby cousin (as of this morning!)

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My whole paternal side of the family was in town for said grandmother’s birthday party (here are me and my sibs)

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My dad (who was born on his mother’s birthday) also had a birthday.

I am learning how to pick locks (for fun!)

I have been on multiple dates with two specific men. One from the internet, one from the science fair.

I had the necessary ‘returning stuff to the ex’ meet up

I chipped my front tooth by wearing my new night-gaurd and had to get it filled in with fake tooth (hilarious story. really. Ask me about it.)

I had a wonderful day in the sun

I am midway through my second to last week at ILABS

I have 3.6 weeks until I head to northampton

I have to move

Now that the chaos from the family whirlwind is over I can finally take some time to focus on these important facts:

  • I have to move
  • I have to read all of the ‘suggested’ reading articles for the first week of class
  • I have to move
  • I have to wrap up things at work and clear out
  • I have to move

As you can see there is one particular issue I am struggling to grasp. And thus, the dreams.

I know I can get it all done( just as soon as that panic kicks in) 😀

oy.