Impulsive Inquiry

uncontrolled questioning of the world I perceive.


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Wipeout!

On my way to class this morning my chin decided it wanted to become more intimate with the pavement. In other words, my board hit a rock and stopped. I did not stop. My chin took the brunt of the fall.

In the grand scheme of things this is no big deal. I have a scrape and a bruise and my face looks a little lopsided. Really. Not a big deal.

What is far more important is that I got up and continued skateboarding for the rest of the day.

“Why is this so important?” you ask.

“Im getting to it!” I reply.

 

There is something about my life you all should know by now. I fall on my face a lot. Both literally and metaphorically. I often need to use that ability to get right back to what ever I was doing before I felldowntripedgotbitcrashedwenttotheeroffendedsomeonescoredlowonatestwastoloudect.

Would I rather that I spent less time picking my self up and moving on? Of course. Is that a reasonable expectation? No.

 

“So what?” you ask.

“Hear me out.” I reply.

 

For the past weekish I have been in a bad mood. I couldn’t figure out why. Seemingly out of nowhere my relaxed carefree feelings of happiness turned grumpy. I was short (mood wise, physically I am always short), mopey, negative and sad. I had no idea why I couldn’t just pick myself up and move on.

Enter social work school’s ever-present omnipotence. In my theory of individuals class we were assigned to read “Mourning and Melancholia” by Freud. He describes melancholia as the act of mourning when you don’t know what you are mourning about. Wow. That seemed familiar. So, like any good social worker, I followed Freud’s advice. In order to pick my self up, I had to figure out what it was that was keeping me down.

So I dug in.

I looked close.

And, I figured it out.

“This story has no plot” you say.

“I’m getting to the point” I reply.

 

This morning, when I woke up I was in a better mood. This good mood continued through breakfast and was just hitting its stride into a great mood when,

Whap.

I fell on my face.

 

And then, I picked my self up, got back on my board and got my butt to class.

 

“how was your mood?” you ask.

“Fantastic” I reply.

 

 

 

(I would like to note that If this post makes no sense in anyplace but my head, oops. Cause it is midterms morphed into finals without a break for the second week here and I left my brain somewhere back around structural theory and social welfare policy)


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I got bit

Sometime sunday evening I got bit. At least I think I did. I figured it was no big deal, put on some anti-itch cream and went to bed. By 8:30 the next morning my ankle bone had disappeared. by lunchtime everyone was telling me to go the doctor and talking about flesh eating brown recluse bits (thanks SO much Erik). By 3pm when I got to the urgent care center I had a tough time removing my shoe. I was wearing toms.

Diagnosis: Allergic reaction to some sort of allergen. They couldn’t find any evidence of fang marks and I didn’t see what bit me so they can’t say for sure.

Treatment: Large done of time release steroids, Doctor style Benadryl and instructions to call if my foot falls off or something.

 

And so my streak continues as the ridiculous hospitalized girl.When I told my brother what happened, his reaction: ” Ha. classic Abbie:”I didn’t even last three full weeks. But as Chris pointed out, “It is an accelerated program…”

Warning… Going any lower will expose you to some potentially gross out pictures.

 

 

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The Circle marks where it was at 8:30 that morning

 

On the upside, It isn’t on my eyelid this time…

Edit: Puncture marks discovered! Self Diagnosis vindicated! Huzzah!


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Pop this bubble at your own risk

I have been at smith for 18 days and 11 hours. Approximately. In the time warp that is Smith SSW (school for social work) that is equivalent to around 6 months. possibly more. Each day here feels like a month but the weeks fly by. We live in this world where time is only used to inform us as to where we should be and the date is completely irrelevant excepting due dates of papers.

What is interesting about this time bubble is how much I don’t want it to pop. Intrusions of stressors from the real world are avoided as much as possible. I truly am taking a break from my life.

This doesn’t mean that it is always easy. I miss cuddling. I miss the love of my housemates and being held. I posted on the class Facebook that I wasn’t getting enough hugs. The response was great! I now instigated a hugging revolution 😀

The format of this program promotes instabonding and it has happened. As soon as I arrived I found my people. It is a wonderful and fantastic part of the smith time warp. I truly feel that I have found more people here who think the same way as me than I ever had before. Granted that is not shocking given the circumstance, but it reinforces my believe that I am making friends who are true, not just conveniently placed.

I apologize to those outside the bubble if contact is sporadic, reception on campus sucks and sometimes it is easier to embrace my life-cation when I avoid dealing with issues intruding from the outside.

This doesn’t mean don’t reach out. I need you all and miss you all as much as one possibly can without exploding. call me. Offer me support and love (care packages are especially welcomed). Just don’t be offended if I don’t pick up. I am probably in a basement somewhere analyzing the use of freudian structural theory and how it applies in a psychodynamic family therapy session while simultaneously trying to solve the worlds problems by using social welfare policy to influence group dynamics.

And if anyone on this coast want to drive up and take me out to dinner, just say the word. Everyone has got to eat, right?


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Why I would probably be quite happy in prison.

Well, maybe not prison, but boy do I thrive on structure. I have been at smith for a little over a week and I am happier and more relaxed than I have been in years. This is not to say that it isn’t hard. Grad school is HARD!

 

Let me give you all an example.

Each week I have 11 class meetings. Each class lasts 2 hours. To prepare for each class I have 50+ pages of reading to complete. This does not include projects, papers, group assignments or recommended reading.

This is no joke.

 

But despite the workload, I am not anxious. I know I can handle this and I am. I am relaxed and happy. Blows my mind.

 

Also, it annoys the hell out of my friends here 😀

 


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Re:Orientation

The past few days have been crammed with activities.

First, I moved into my dorm

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And ever since then my days have been filled with orientation activities. For the most part these are the same activities that any new student at any institution would be involved in. Things like how to check you student email and what a library is. Most of them are mind numbingly dull and fairly useless. The truly important information was imparted to us via the Facebook group weeks ago when we were all freaking out.

I realized, as I half listened to yet another person tell me how to swipe into my dorm, is that orientation is not about getting to know the Smith program or how to access moodle. It is finding a way to reorient myself and who I am becoming.

I have to reorient my mindset from professional to student.

I have to reorient myself from introvert to extrovert and make new friends.

I need to find the direction that I want to go in as a social worker without losing who I am as a person.

Orientation is giving me time to build the connections that will allow me to succeed here, not because I know who the kitchen staff are (though now I can ask them to stop garnishing everything with strawberries!), but through the support systems I will need to maintain my sanity throughout the upcoming year.

 

And I must say, If I didn’t know that social work was the right field for me, I would be sure based only on the amazing people I have met so far. The sheer number of people with similar personality traits here is astounding. I have found my people.

I was worried that everyone would be super touchyfeely and talkaboutyouremotiony. Which there are a lot of. But I have managed to find a great group of sardonic, irreverent goofballs and it is wonderful. Not to say that they lack the necessary empathy to be in the field, but they express it in a manner similar to me. And that, my dear readers, is the best part of being here.

 

I have never had to be anyone other than myself. I don’t feel like I need to work to fit in. So many of the social challenges I have faced in new situations just don’t apply here. It has felt so natural to be here that it is worth it to go hear someone tell me the dining hall hours for the fourth time.

 

This doesn’t mean I am not home sick. I miss my life so much, but as one of my new friends put it. “I don’t know why people are stressing, this is like summer camp, but for adults” and that is kinda how it feels.

 

We will see what happens when classes start on monday, but for now I am happy. Actually happy. Which is worth any future stress.

Also, I bought a long board. it is awesome!!!