I am struggling with love right now. As usual, my blog post is coming from half a night of tossing and turning and thinking. There is so much that I want out of my life and sometimes it just seems impossible.
Earlier this year, when everything was falling apart, I thought if I could get one thing back on track, the ship of my sanity would right itself. This has been mostly true. Since getting into smith I have stopped panicking all the time and I have a clearer sense that at least one part of my life is back on track.
The problem is that I still want the rest to work as well. I suppose I am impatient, but sometimes I just wish that everything was how it was supposed to be in my head. That I stop falling in love and was ensconced in it. It seems like there is always a qualifier after every person. They are perfect BUT…
How will I know? I have these amazing relationship models around me and I want what they have. Not exactly of course, but my version. I want it to be my turn. I guess I am just tired of swimming alone.
I know that the universe will work itself out. If my life thus far is any indication, I have absolutely no idea of what is actually best for me. Still, I have never been one to sit back and let things work themselves out. I always have to plan, even when it doesn’t work out at all.
I hope that someday, I can take a leap of faith with someone there holding my hand and jumping with me.
Right now, kisses and cuddles and footsie under the table would be just fine. Maybe a hand to hold every once in a while, if no one is looking.
He would be perfect, But…